And You Shall Love

The Middah of judging others favorably does not mean that when our neighbor sins and strays, we must stand in silence. The commandment to rebuke our neighbor and with love and compassion help to get them on the right path, remains binding. –TBE’s Middot Study Guide

Silly me.  In all of my good intentions, I skipped over this important paragraph in the study guide. Had I taken it in, then maybe I would have handled a situation today differently.

A fellow student made me feel small today.  Or rather, therapeutically stated: I felt ashamed and put down today after a fellow student spoke to me.  When she pointed out my short-comings, I felt personally attacked and belittled.  I melted inside from shame and anger.  And you know what I did? NOTHING.  Not only did I do nothing, but I flattered and validated her comments.  Trying to undo the negative thoughts in my head. Trying to judge her favorably.

I would never call myself a pacifist, but I definitely enjoy being liked…to a fault.  Terrified of offending or cutting off someone in my life, I am apt to allow my feelings and better judgement to be walked all over. In fact, I will feign politeness in order to maintain horrible, unfulfilling friendships.  It would be one thing if I didn’t really mind or take offense to the things around me, but I do. Rather than taking action, I will (in person) tolerate and then later, amongst those I trust, kvetch about whatever is bothering me.

It’s commonly joked about between Jews that we are complainers, which really, isn’t such a bad thing.  Bringing attention to injustice or inequity is an important duty that we have as human beings.  However, if it’s secretive, shameful complaining, then it is doing no good. It’s not effective, it’s infective–burrowing beneath the skin and taking hold of our hearts.

I’ve learned in therapy that anger is the feeling of injustice. I was angry when this woman spoke to me because I felt like she was unfairly appraising me and my capabilities as a nurse.  I could brag on myself for a bit and explain to you why I am both a good student and a good nurse, but it’s not the point.  The point is that I felt anger and then feigned that I didn’t have it.

My mistake or sin (though I have serious issues with the concept of sin), was that I was UNTRUTHFUL.  I know there are some battles not worth fighting, but I could have handled myself more truthfully. Rather than overcompensating for my anger, I could have absolved myself of it.  I could have expressed myself to this person and trusted that she could handle it.

Sometimes, judging others favorably means trusting that they are strong enough to take criticism, and compassionate enough to respect your words.  

The yuckiness that I walked around with the second half of my day today was not from her words, but rather from my response.  I did not judge her favorably, I judged myself poorly for being upset with her.  This middah is not about ignoring people’s mistakes, flaws, or missteps; it is about being compassionate with their errors, and guiding them towards kinder, more compassionate actions.

Judging others favorably, is not about inaction.  It’s about seeing the good in people, and knowing what they are capable of, and sometimes holding them to that potential.  Reminding people of the good they possess and encouraging them to put that good into action.