A very wise and curious friend of mine once wrote:
Isn’t it funny how gratitude and grief go hand in hand?
It seemed awfully melancholic at the time and I really couldn’t relate to it. This week taught me about gratitude and grief. I took my last final this week. I got an A on that final. I went to a scholarship reception this week…because I was awarded a scholarship from the most incredible couple I’ve ever met. I started by preceptorship this week. My last preceptorship. I stopped being a student this week and started being a nurse.
I think what my wise friend was referring to, is that gratitude is something that often comes with accomplishment. Accomplishment indicates progress, a ladder rung climbed, a bridge crossed. The gratitude is almost all encompassing. I spent 24 hours crying on and off. I was crying because I was so amazed at how I’ve gotten to this point. It really did take a village to cultivate me into the person I am today. When you accomplish something, it’s like standing at the top of a very large precipice. For example, when I was in Israel I was dreading our visit to Masada. Masada is a 1300 feet high natural fortress in the desert. I am not the most in-shape girl and thought that the trip to the top of Masada would be so hard and embarrassing that I would regret even climbing. I almost didn’t climb, but when I did, I saw this:
So I made it to the top. My group spent a while there, and then we descended. My legs literally shook at the end of it all. That’s how accomplishment is. You climb and climb. You call on the resources and support of those amazing people in your life to get there. When you do, suddenly you’re done. It’s not that it’s the only mountain you’ll climb, but it’s been the only thing you’ve been looking at for a while. You’ve looked at it from every angle. You’ve hated the mountain, loved it, embraced it, and wanted to burn it down. And then you’ve accomplished it.
Part of you knows that you’re ready to move on. There are many more mountains to climb in your life. But you have to mourn for that part of your life. It’s done. No more taking 75 question tests every 2 weeks. No more kvetching about not having time to have fun. Now, my time is open. It’s up to me how to plan it. I am grateful, but I am also grieving. That is so much responsibility that I haven’t considered until now.
I am drowning in gratitude, I am drowning in grief. Life feels like it’s going in fast forward and I don’t have both arms on the steering wheel. The only things I have to orient me are the people in my life. And my dog. Definitely my dog. Modeh ani…I am grateful for my mile markers. My street signs. My cardinal arrows. Those people in my life who, throughout everything have kept me on course.
And You Shall Love 