This post will not have bucket loads of quotes or citations. This is simply a post from the heart. Today was a great day. Today was the first day that I feel like I mastered “the day off.”
I struggle often with this excruciating need to do things. It’s a part of our society and I think it’s part of being Jewish. We are told our entire lives that we are chosen and that it is imperative that we do good while we are on this earth. I’ve heard it loud and clear. I think there is a sociocultural aspect to being a 20something Jewish woman that makes it all the worse.
I don’t know how many of my readers have ever seen the quasi-controversial HBO series Girls, but it is a really interesting show. I wouldn’t call it good, but it is uncomfortably familiar in many ways. Its writer, producer, creator, and leading cast member, Lena Dunham, is a 26 year old Jewish woman that, to me, has touched a nerve. She seems to be intimately in touch with one of the defining characteristics of the 20something Jewish woman. She says:
[Women in their 20’s are] full of self confidence and void of self worth.
Wow. Spot on. As I furiously pursue nursing, look forward at the prospect of grad school, and diligently write my little blog, I recognize that I have definitely developed self confidence. I am confident so much in my ability to do. Where it gets tricky is what happens when I’m not doing. What happens when I am still, is a much more confusing thing. I don’t think I know how to relax well anymore.
One of the greatest challenges of entering adulthood has been orienting myself to the work/pleasure dichotomy. It seems like even your pleasure hours are supposed to be full of things. Oh, you have a few hours? You should be volunteering, attending a painting class, grabbing a lunch with a friend, using that museum membership. It’s not that any of these things are bad. Many of them are pleasant and pleasurable, but sometimes you just need to be at home. Sometimes you need to give yourself a few hours of peace.
I am usually good at giving myself time to rest, but I am always self-shaming myself during that rest. I feel like if I have that time, I need to fill it. It’s not that I constantly have to be changing the world, but I need to be building chapters in my book. If I can’t look back at my day and be able to list tasks or accomplishments, then I feel horrible. I’ve come to realize that this is out of a lack of self-worth. I feel the constant pressure to prove to myself and others that I am an interesting, well rounded, creative, and exciting person. By doing, I give myself verifiable proof that I am valuable, loved, and wanted.
This summer, a really amazing article by Tim Kreider came out in the New York Times called “The ‘Busy’ Trap.” You can read the full thing here and I really recommend it. The gist of it is that we spend a lot of time in our society complaining about how busy and involved we are when we are actually looking for validation at how great we are for doing our many things. Think about it: haven’t you felt a little satisfaction when you had to turn something down because you were too busy doing something that sounded way cooler? “Sorry friend, I can’t get coffee with you because I’m going to doing this extra fabulous thing that I just can’t get out of.”
Why do we do this to each other? Do we really feel like being available makes us less valuable to society? I know I’ve mentioned it before, but sometimes my favorite part of the day is when I’m doing nothing at a coffee shop, and stumble upon a great conversation with a stranger. That moment can’t happen if we’re too busy all of the time.
In case you need to hear it, let me say it really blog-loudly to you:
YOU ARE STILL VALUABLE EVEN IF YOU HAVE TIME TO SPARE!
In fact, you are probably more valuable because you aren’t wound so tight or worn so thin that you have no space in your heart for other people.
So back to my day,
My day started out in chaos. I had an important presentation to do with friends that I love. Once the project was over, the entire day was open to me. It’s true, I ran errands with my friends for a few hours, but I was home by 1pm and had nothing to do. Could I have called friends and scheduled time to hang out? Sure. I listened to my body and heard “I’m tired.” So I took a “nap.” I didn’t really sleep (I’m terrible at traditional sleeping naps), but I watched the new episodes of Parks and Rec, and laid on the couch. I didn’t judge myself, or get a jump start on assignments. I just rested. Then, I was amazed to find that my body said “Hey! It’s really beautiful outside, let’s go for a walk!” I wasn’t doing it so I could post a Facebook status update (though, to be fair, I totally did), but I did it because I wanted to.
I know it seems so simple, but letting my wants come through instead of my you-shoulds was a huge victory for me. Why must we be so busy? Why do we demand on having a life that is sexier on a Facebook feed than it is satisfying to our souls? What I have found today, is that accomplishment is much deeper and more meaningful when it is matched with a little space. A brief pause. Becausetofindthemeaningofitall…you need spaces between the words.
And You Shall Love 