It’s hard to be 25 and single. In the last month, roughly 5 Facebook friends got engaged, and not to each other. Many of my friends are having their first children, their wedding anniversaries, their engagement photo shoots. Their lives are moving and evolving in companionship. I know it’s not a competition, but I feel like I’m losing. These people, in marrying and parenting young, will have more time to enjoy that companionship of family. It feels like a loss.
At a certain point, you look in the mirror and wonder “what am I doing wrong?” My default has always been to blame it on my weight, but that concept was recently challenged. What if my physical appearance wasn’t the issue at all? That should cause a wave of relief, but instead, it caused panic. I recently realized that I am single because I am too scared of dating people. Fear of rejection and things ending poorly has pushed me into a strange headspace where I actively avoid relationships. I purposefully project an air of independence. And it’s lonely.
You may be asking why this post is on my Jew-Blog instead of my diary pages. My being single has everything to do with my being Jewish. The two have felt completely incompatible recently. Below are some of the many forces within contemporary Judaism that cause me to feel “lesser” because I am single:
Genesis 2:18
“It is not good for man to be alone”
I would argue that God is not talking about men in particular but humankind. We are made with the instinct to bind ourselves to one another. One of the divine gifts that God gave us was the capacity to love another. While love is not exclusive to marital love, I believe that lifelong companionship is one of the most powerful types of love we possess. God made a covenant with the Jewish people and when two people make a covenant to each other, we are recreating that most holy gift on a smaller scale.
Proverbs 31
Looking beyond the inherent misogyny of biblical texts, Proverbs 31 has some pretty clear-cut instructions on how to be an awesome wife. While I have little patience for lines that tell me I need to “rise while it is still night, and supply provisions for her household,” I do steadfastly believe in later verses.
She is clothed with strength and splendor;
she looks to the future cheerfully.
Her mouth is full of wisdom,
Her tongue with kindly teaching.
I look at these verses as a checklist. It goes something like a grocery list or a recipe. To be marriage material combine all of the following in a large bowel:
strength
splendor
cheerfulness
wisdom
kindly teaching
I feel like I have a lot of that list. I’m not sure I’ve got the splendor stuff worked out yet, but even the same proverb later states that “grace is deceptive, beauty is illusory.” I feel like I am a wise, teaching, cheerful, strong woman. So is it just the splendor part that is keeping me from having a “worth beyond rubies?”
Genesis 22:17
Jews are only 0.6% of the worlds population. How do I know that? Because Jews are so invested in not dying out that we have organizations dedicated to charting our population trends. See this comprehensive report. As a tiny population, we are invested in fulfilling God’s promise from Genesis 22:17:
I will bestow my blessing upon you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars of heaven and the sands on the seashore.
How will I help my people and their numbers if I don’t get married and have babies?!?
The Shadchan
Though most often referred to as a Yenta (thanks, Fiddler on the Roof), the matchmaker is a real thing in Jewish culture. Many a punny Jewish dating service is available in this country. Not only are there still traditional dating services complete with boisterous Jewish matchmakers, but now there are are slew of online Jewish dating options:
JDate
JewishMingle
JSingles
JewishCafe
JPeopleMeet
JewishMatch
SawYouAtSinai
…
The list goes on and on. The combination of diaspora and technology has created a niche for Jewish matchmaking services larger than we could ever think imaginable.
The Bashert
Of all of the hyped up, pressure ridden, single-shaming motifs in Judaism, the only one that really gets to me is the Bashert. Bashert can be translated as soul-mate. It the person that, according to tradition, God in heaven ordained as your other half. We are literally intended to be melded to another. Only together can we achieve our highest potential. Though I know it can’t be true, I genuinely feel like I’ll never reach my truest or happiest self until I’ve found my Bashert. It’s not about a wedding or rings. It’s just about that compulsive need I have to share myself with someone. My parents, who fight like cats and dogs, are truly each other’s Basherts. Every day is not storybook, but they love each other throughout everything. Often I think we see old couples fighting because they are completed that transformation of two halves into one whole, because who is harder on us than ourselves??
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So where does that leave me? Single and frustrated. I don’t want it to come across as though Judaism is always actively shaming Jewish singles, but I do think there is an undertone of pressure that is hard to avoid as a Jewish woman in her 2os. I don’t know if I want to have children. That is too many steps from where I am now to consider, but I do know that at some point, I think I’ll be a pretty excellent partner to someone, and I’m anxious for that.
And You Shall Love 