“The repentant sinner should strive to do good with the same faculties with which he sinned…. With whatever part of the body he sinned, he should now engage in good deeds. If his feet had run to sin, let them now run to the performance of the good. If his mouth had spoken falsehood, let it now be opened in wisdom. Violent hands should now open in charity…. The troublemaker should now become a peacemaker”
– Rabbi Jonah Gerondi, thirteenth century
The month of Elul has special significance to me this year. I’ve only recently been introduced to the concept that Judaism cleverly spaces its holidays in such a way that a Jew can consistently engage with our Jewishness. Elul is a great example of that.
I’ve recently learned that the entire month of Elul is meant to prepare us for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. This is a radical notion to me; at the same time it makes perfect sense. We are not meant to come into the High Holy Days thoughtlessly. We are meant to spend the entire month of Elul considering ourselves. It’s unreasonable to assume that 10 days is enough to comprehensively embrace renewal and reflection.
I have to give credit to my temple and it’s fabulous clergy. They’ve worked out brilliant opportunities to more consistently feel Jewish. Rabbi Judy, for example distributed her monthly Middot guide, a huge source of material for this blog. My dear friend and congregational Cantor Mary has created a set of programming called “Fuel for Elul.” The events cater to many different tastes and give our congregation chances to prepare for the HHD before the Days of Awe actually arrive.
It was this idea of “Fuel for Elul” that got under my skin. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to attend any of the events, but the idea really stuck with me.
I’ve always been attracted to the ritual aspect of Judaism. It’s what keeps me engaged. So, I feel like I have the chance to create my own Fuel for Elul. For me, these are small acts of ritual that prepare me mentally and spiritually for those incredible days when I feel closest to God.
The quote at the beginning of this entry has really buried deep within me. It’s a beautifully shattering idea that the areas in our life the we feel we fail the most are, in fact, the greatest opportunity for growth. In many ways, I think I have always believed this. As someone who suffered from self-harm, it seems reasonable that I have instead turned my hands towards the work of healing. I am a nurse. It heals those wounds.
I considered spending the remaining days of Elul without looking in a mirror or reflective surface. I’ve read about some women’s incredible experience with this exercise (see this woman’s memoir). I decided against it for many reasons (fear, the impracticality of it at my work, and the irony that would be avoiding my reflection during the month of reflection).
So what micro-ritual can I perform in my own life? I’m trying some privately. I’ll report back on what they are after Yom Kippur is over, so that I know I’m doing them with a pure heart.
In the mean time, I leave you with this other quote from Rabbi Judy’s Middah for Teshuvah:
Like water, teshuvah is both destructive and creative. It dissolves the person you were but simultaneously provides the moisture you need to grow anew… Teshuvah, like water, has the power both to wash away past sin and to shower you with the blessing of a new future, if only you trust it and allow yourself to be carried along in its current.” – Dr. Louis E. Newman, Repentance: The Meaning and Practice of Teshuvah
And You Shall Love 