No sin is so light that it may be overlooked. No sin is so heavy that it may not be repented of. –Moses Ibn Ezra
A lot of you reading probably know about my struggle with mental illness. It is both with me and away from me on any given day. When you confront your demons, they become a little like a child sitting on your shoulders: You’re aware of their heaviness and the burden they bring, but they also point out all of the other things around you.
So has my struggle with mental illness been. I have felt at times so overwhelmed and frustrated, but I also feel like it gives me a new perspective with which to view the world around me. I try to take no good thing for granted, because I know what bad ones feel like.
One of the tools that gave me a way out, and continues to play a huge role in my mental health, is a program called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (or DBT). I took my DBT course over a four month period. It’s basically a skills training class that really aims to provide coping and processing techniques to people with emotional and behavioral issues. My time in DBT was absolutely life-altering.
Without writing a Cliffs-Notes to the entire program, it comprises of four modules that combine to create an effective thinking and doing framework. Those Four Modules are the following:
- Mindfullness
- Distress Tolerance
- Emotional Regulation
- Interpersonal Effectiveness
One of the first lessons within the Mindfulness module is Observing and Describing (O&D). It consists of the simple steps of observing your surroundings (just noticing what is there physically, using all five sense), and describing what you’ve observed. The key is to observe first, truly taking in what is happening. We tend to leap to descriptions. It’s in our nature, especially those of us (like myself) who have deeply held beliefs of what is and should be.
The catch, with O&D is taking what Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT, calls a non-judgemental stance. The non-judgemental stance is crucial in the implementation of all of the other skills in DBT. It’s also, for me, the trickiest. It’s been a constant struggle to weed out the words “good,” “bad,” “should,” and “shouldn’t” from my vocabulary.
So, in preparation for the High Holy Days, I’ve been coming back a lot to the idea of the non-judgemental stance. The premise in DBT is that once we remove the judgement from our O&D of the world around us and within us, we are more clearly able to see what is effective and ineffective.
I realize that this is all horribly abstract, so let me give you an example:
I used to self-harm. It was a way of overcoming a complete freeze of anxiety and sadness in my body. I was so overwhelmed with the thoughts in my mind and the shame and horror I felt at myself, that I would hurt myself. When I was first confronting this behavior, I heard/thought/read/felt a lot of negative things. “It’s bad” “It’s unhealthy” “It’s stupid” It’s dangerous” “It’s ugly.” The issue with all of these approaches to self-harm, is that I was replacing all of the “it’s” with “Courtney.” So “Courtney is bad” “Courtney is unhealthy” “Courtney is stupid” “Courtney is dangerous” “Courtney is ugly.” By using this approach to defeating self-harm, it just created more shame and sadness and actually increased my frequency of self-harm.
THEN, DBT came along. Suddenly, I was asked not only to observe and describe the events leading up to my self-harm, but also the act itself. All with a non-judgemental stance. Instead of laying judgements on the behavior, I was able to see it as what it was: ineffective. Through O&D, I was able to take the catastrophic judgements out of the situations leading up to self-harm, as well as the ridicule and grandiosity of the self-harm itself. Suddenly it was a matter of, “hm…this unfortunate thing happened, what should I do next? What will work?” For someone with my struggles, this was revolutionary.
….
So, going back to HHD and the non-judgemental stance. While I appreciate the opportunity that HHD affords me to consider my actions and thoughts over the last year, and potentially change or “fix” them, I don’t really appreciate the idea that I need to feel really bad. That just doesn’t work for me. As I symbolically beat my chest during the Al Chet, I think that I’ll be caressing my heart, feeling the sinew beneath my hand, rather than beating my demons into submission.
When laying out my transgressions from this year, I have spent a good deal of thought and energy taking the judgement out of them. I was not good or bad this year. I have been both effective and ineffective. I have failed and succeeded and failed again. I have hurt and healed and hurt, both myself and others.
I recognize the purpose of the HHD threat of judgement, but I also feel it has some serious short-comings. As I work daily to define my Judaism, I know that this is one trend I will have to buck.
When Jews appear for Divine judgment, the angels say to them: “Don’t be afraid, the Judge…is your Father.” –Midrash Tehillim
I fully believe the above quote. We should not be repenting through fear, but through love. The great love of this world, each other, and ourselves. We all are worthy, no matter how flawed we are or feel. For we are all b’tzelem elohim, made in the image of God. That is a powerful, beautiful thing, and as I fast, al chet, and do all the rest, I will be doing it with love and gratitude and a non-judgemental stance.
And You Shall Love 