I am so tired of hearing it. It doesn’t matter if I’m talking about work, my relationship, my family, my home, or my health. I know at some point in the session my therapist will put her hand over her heart, and suggest that what’s called for, in fact, is self compassion. I can feel my insides coil up and die every time it comes out of her mouth.
Self compassion is not the intended focus of Alan Morinis’ discussion of compassion as a middot. His chapter on Compassion focuses on the origin of compassion, the utility of compassion, and the counterbalance of compassion and judgment.
However, I’ve come to the conclusion (with the help of my annoyingly helpful therapist) that compassion is incomplete in the absence of self compassion. I am lying if I believe that it’s OK for you to be imperfect, but I have to be better. What is that? That’s ego based ranking. I don’t like it. It’s exhausting perfectionism which gets in the way of me living an authentic life. I think this way of thinking is best encapsulated by this amazing 14 second video:
Kristin Neff explains in her book, Self Compassion,
”If I have to feel better than you to feel good about myself, then how clearly am I really going to see you, or myself for that matter?”
I cannot truly have compassion for others if I neglect to have compassion for myself. It is painful and frustrating and may be the great work of my life.
What happens when we have self-compassion, is we stop holding ourselves and others to the oppressive standard of perfection. We opt out of the self-improvement for self-promotion system. We move towards a communal worldview that recognizes that we are all better when we give each other permission to be imperfect.
Kristin Neff reminds us that we cannot expect to only receive compassion when we are thrust into unfortunate circumstances beyond our control. She states
“Compassion is not only relevant to those who are blameless victims, but also to those whose suffering stems from failures, personal weakness, or bad decisions. You know, the kind you and I make every day.”
I’m thinking a lot about the concept of harm reduction when approaching substance use disorders. The overall concept of harm reduction is that people who use drugs shouldn’t have to be abstinent to deserve care and protection. Harm reduction is done by eliminating barriers to housing, safety during drug use, and medical treatment. There is no threshold you have to achieve to be worthy of compassion.
I think a lot of my self-criticism is wrought by my awareness that I have so much privilege. I don’t come from a lot of the same struggles that people overcome. I feel like I have no “excuse” to be imperfect because I have so much love and support in my life.
I know this is ridiculous. I know I would not expect anyone else to be perfect based on their background, because I know that even if we are loved perfectly we are not built to perfectly receive love. The fact is that my life has not been perfect AND I cannot be expected to perfectly live life regardless of that.
To be human is to be imperfect.
In his chapter on compassion, Morinis discusses the perceived harshness of the story of Adam and Eve. If we take this story at face value, then it is a story of human failure and of the critical eye of God. Morinis argues that humans are not perfect, so keeping them in the utopia of Eden that requires perfection is actually a sign of compassion from God. We are an imperfect creation. Why then, would God expect us to thrive in a setting of perfection?
Living in the reality that we are imperfect and that we still deserve love and care, is self-compassion. It is with a robust foundation of self-compassion that we can achieve meaningful compassion towards others.
Questions I’m asking myself during this reflection on compassion:
- What does it feel like when I offer myself self-compassion?
- What does it feel like when I offer compassion to others?
- What does it feel like when others offer compassion to me?
And You Shall Love 