It’s been a little under two weeks since I started wrangling with compassion, and specifically self compassion. I have been surprised by what has come up for me over these past few days.
I’ve been looking at the world through a lens that is seeking evidence of and opportunities for self compassion. I’ve noticed that self-compassion looks a lot like acceptance. It looks like recognizing that I’m having a feeling and refusing to abandon myself in that moment.
This is actually pretty tricky:
I have noticed that as I give myself more compassion, I may experience more negative feelings towards others. When I stop blaming myself for having emotions, my default is to blame someone else for causing the emotions.
This is where that next step comes in: we must extend compassion to others. It is not a finite resource. If we operate as if we must choose between me and thee, our self-protective instincts will kick in and we will choose ourselves every time.
This is the beauty of Mussar. Each middot or soul trait exists on a spectrum. It is when we oversaturate ourselves or starve ourselves of these traits that we experience pain and suffering.
A great struggle in my life (and it definitely shows up in Mussar) is avoiding extremes and all or nothing thinking. I want to do either/or, good/bad, yes/no, white/black. The fact is that life is full of both/and. I giggle as I think about one of my most cherished friends, who happens to be a rabbi. I imagine if you recorded one of our conversations, you would find that 20% of our discussions follow the structure of “_____________ AND _____________.” It is in conversation with her that I am best able to practice the dance of multiple truths.
My time focusing on self compassion was rife with temptation to either have compassion for myself or have compassion for others. It’s harmful for myself, my relationships, and on those I interact with. To cheat myself of self compassion means thinking I am a problem to be fixed. To cheat others of compassion will leave me lonely on my throne of self protection.
In closing out my time focusing on compassion, I recognize that I cannot only have compassion for myself or others. I must do the uncomfortable thing and hold both simultaneously.
Alan Morinis reminds us that,
The primary barrier to being compassionate is the sense that you and I are separate from each other. – Everyday Holiness, Alan Morinis
I am truly grateful that I started with this middot. I think compassion was my gateway for being able to approach Mussar with a non-punitive perspective.
Next up in this series: discipline
Discipline is not found in Alan Morinis’ text, but we it is what comes up for me at this time, so I will be building my own text study around it.
Questions I’ll be asking myself:
- Why does our society applaud discipline?
- Why does discipline both captivate me and make me fearful?
- What are the meaningful metrics I can look at in my life to evaluate my degree of discipline?
And You Shall Love 