Chesed in Chesed. Loving kindness in lovingkindness. For some reason, in this season of my life, the thing that came forward for me today while meditating on chesed in chesed, are my exes.
Looking back at the people who I tried with for any period of time, I am able to feel more loving kindness for the part of me that tried and failed. I am able to feel more loving kindness for the versions of them that I loved who were not the right fit for me. I feel a type of forgiveness. For all of us.
We all deserve to love and be loved. How can I blame us for trying, even when we likely tried too hard for too long? I don’t speak to my exes anymore, but here is the letter I would send to the most recent one, if only I could:
Dear ——-,
I hope you know how grateful I am to have loved you and been loved by you. It ended so poorly. It ended far later than it should have. I think we both held on longer than we should have. Being loved means being loved for all of ourselves and the fact was, we just weren’t compatible in key ways that were fundamental to who we are as people.
I think we both tried to bend and shift to curl into a comfortable shape together. The things that were so good were so good. The genuine curiosity and respect I had for you was real. To this day, I think kindly about the pieces of you that were creative and curious and brilliant and joyful and funny.
I saw you yesterday with your new partner. I was with mine. It’s happened a couple of times, but yesterday I saw some deep joy and love in your eyes and I felt such a sense of peace. You deserve to feel that level of love and care and compatibility.
There is some deep and hard pain between us that will likely never heal. We will tend to it gently and hopefully do better in the future. I have many regrets, but loving you isn’t one of them. Neither is no longer being your lover. I think the energy of that love persists and has shifted into something more distant but still warm.
I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty for being so happy now. I wanted to feel this way with you and I didn’t. And there was no to-do list or checkbox you could have checked to make it work. It just didn’t. Our souls were meant for other journeys. We both tried our level best.
May our next chapters feel kinder and more whole.
In chesed,
Courtney
Now, as I type this, I feel the warmth of my incredible fiancé and my sweet pup beside me. I glow, thinking about my soon-to-be son who was able to say the Shabbat blessings over the candles and wine for the first time tonight. I feel from my scalp to my toes the wholeness of chesed in chesed. What a thrill.
And You Shall Love 